Early Morning Confessions

This is an early morning entry. It is 4 AM to be exact. My daughter woke up crying and although she fell back to sleep within minutes, I did not. My brain began flooding with to do list and all those things that moms think about during the day. Once it starts, it is hard to stop it.

Then, my blog entry from yesterday popped into my head, the one about failure, repenting, and trying again. I suddenly feared that in the way I presented the story of Jacob, I might have led someone to think I trivialized the murderous acts of Jacob’s sons, and I felt a great responsibility to tell you all that was not my intention. I, in no way meant to convey, that they got away with something or that we as Christians will get away with things either just because we believe in God. Those acts, along with every other failure (sin) in their lives, are things, which they will stand before God on and have to answer for. Jacob, himself, severely chastised them at the end of his life when addressing each of his sons on his deathbed.

My intent was not to trivialize and to make it sound so easy to move on, because it’s not. One of the reasons I wrote that particular story yesterday was because of the work that was taking place in my own heart. God’s word is like a sword, piercing into your soul, opening you up, and revealing all that is within. This past week that sword was slowly exposing sin from my past, laying me wide open and vulnerable before God; and forcing me to make a choice about how to move on. You know, God knew everything that was there already. I needed to acknowledge it. It was within my heart that the sin needed to be exposed, not for God’s sake, but for mine.

I recently read a line in the book Nothing But the Truth, by John F. MacArthur, that said, “Ezekiel notes that sin’s defilement is so great that when the repentant sinner sees his sin he will hate himself."

“There you will remember your ways and all your deeds, with which you have defiled yourselves; and you will loathe yourselves in your own sight for all the evil things that you have done. Ezekiel 20:43

That describes perfectly how I was feeling. I was wallowing in my own self-hatred and wishing I could just start over instead of going on with all that baggage hanging around my neck. Satan was right there, the great deceiver, trying to inform me that God couldn’t love me because of that sin. Telling me God wouldn’t use me and wouldn’t want me to represent Him.

When I read the story of Jacob for myself, I saw very clearly how even the Patriarchs of the bible fell short, just like me. The redeeming themes show God did not turn away from them. He initiated the contact with them despite their sin, and when they failed, as we all do, God was still there reaching out to them. He not only convicts us but because of Christ work on the cross, we are restored to Him, presented as brand new and righteous, without blemish. In God’s eyes, it was like I had started over because He no longer sees what was prior to the moment of repentance. Christ presented me to God as blameless because He took the punishment for my sin.

I had a choice to make and God was waiting for my answer. Would I let the shame of my past prevent me from embracing the work God has for me to do today, or would I declare God as the head of my life, repent, and let myself be open to being used and bless by Him? Whom I serve and in whom I put my trust and thankfulness in is reflected in my answer. If I had let the shame hold me down then, I, in essence reject the love of my Heavenly Father and He cannot use someone who rejects him. Instead, I choose to accept His gift of forgiveness and love, opening myself up for His will to be done through my life. This blog would not be possible without that grace.

I will have to stand before God someday and answer for all that I have failed Him on in life, but I hope that as time goes on those failures become less and less as I work out my salvation with the Lord.

May the Word of God convict you and may God lead you to repentance and restoration so that you may be blessed by God!