As a stay at home, homeschooling mom, I don't get out much.
This wasn't always the case, but, in recent years my life has gravitated away from a full time work schedule, a full time social schedule, and a full time 'me' schedule. Most days, I am very happy with my life as it evolves into what God has in store for me. But, I admit there are days I think I am missing out on something.
These feelings came out this past weekend as I talked with others at a funeral, of all places. While we waited for the family to return from the burial for the lunch that was to be served, we caught up with friends we hadn't seen in quite sometime. Former colleagues of mine, and their spouses. As I listened to their exciting stories and escapades, I started to feel a little envious.
It seems as my husband and I were trudging along raising children, everyone else was having the time of their life doing all sorts of things. Needless to say, most of my peers are ready to become empty nesters in the next few years, while our youngest is only two. They are beginning the process of pulling away from their children (or children pulling away from them - depending on whom you are talking to) and discovering what they like to do as a couple free from the daily routine of child rearing.
I used the phrase earlier, "trudging along" because it just seems like for the last few years it's been a tough road. Teenagers can make life difficult at times and so can a 2 year old. There always seems to be a temper tantrum going on, a rebellion that has to be squashed, or all our energy is needed to prevent someone from doing something too bad or getting too hurt. Sometimes life can feel overwhelming.
Apparently, life was feeling a little burdensome on my end this weekend but as I talked with my long lost friends, Oh, I sensed they didn't experience any burden. Envy set in. The entire ride home all I talked about was how good they had it.
My husband was very patience with me as I pointed out things.
"Did you see her designer purse?
"Do you know they go out to eat every Friday night and meet three other couples for drinks after their kids sporting events?"
"They go upnorth for the weekend and leave their teenagers home alone."
Later in the day, I was still talking about them. I noted how happy and carefree they seemed. They seemed to have so many friends. They seemed to have whatever they wanted and didn't seem to have any problems.
Now, my husband, a discerning christian man, calming points out to me that these very people I am so envious of, and want to aspire to be like (even if temporarily), are dead! "What is there to envy about death?"
I knew he was right. They were not saved individuals. They did not know Christ as their Savior. They seemed more carefree because they followed their own desires and fleshy wills. They did what they wanted, when they wanted, and however they wanted to do it because they answered to no one but themselves. I knew he was right but I still needed to wrestle with it in my mind a little longer. Maybe I just didn't want to let the fantasy go. Maybe I was trying to figure out a way to have Christ as my Lord and still have what they have.
God, as he always does, convicts me and then gently leads me to repentance. Then, after I have yielded my will back to him and humbly ask to be restored, he gives me an explanation. A piece of wisdom or understanding to reinforce what he is teaching me through the situation. For me, it usually happens when I am reading his word.
I have been reading a chapter a day in the Psalms. Today, Chapter 73 was up. By verse 2, I knew this was God's timing and God's personal words for me.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong. [a]
5 They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.
That's exactly how I was feeling. I almost, almost was willing to walk away from my faith for something that appeared to look better to me.
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
I had acted bitterly toward God and my thinking was skewed and stupid. How awful of me to have forgotten what the love of a beautiful Lord is worth.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
What humility I felt knowing God did not hold my stupidity against me. He didn't leave me or forsake me even though I contemplated doing it to him. He gently reminded me of who he is, what he's done for me, and what it is worth. It is worth EVERYTHING!
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds
It is good to be near the Sovereign Lord!
It is easy to get enticed by the world and the things of the world, especially during a difficult time. I wanted to escape the current situation our family finds itself in at the moment. I wanted relief. I wanted to be someone else. I got tangled up and saw an escape route. I thought I'd take it instead of sticking it out like God wanted me to do.
I've discovered it's hot here in the fire of refinement but God has reminded me it is worth it!
He has kept me, restored me, renewed me, guided me, showed me the permanent relief yet to come, and the glory yet to be revealed!
I will tell of all your deeds!
This wasn't always the case, but, in recent years my life has gravitated away from a full time work schedule, a full time social schedule, and a full time 'me' schedule. Most days, I am very happy with my life as it evolves into what God has in store for me. But, I admit there are days I think I am missing out on something.
These feelings came out this past weekend as I talked with others at a funeral, of all places. While we waited for the family to return from the burial for the lunch that was to be served, we caught up with friends we hadn't seen in quite sometime. Former colleagues of mine, and their spouses. As I listened to their exciting stories and escapades, I started to feel a little envious.
It seems as my husband and I were trudging along raising children, everyone else was having the time of their life doing all sorts of things. Needless to say, most of my peers are ready to become empty nesters in the next few years, while our youngest is only two. They are beginning the process of pulling away from their children (or children pulling away from them - depending on whom you are talking to) and discovering what they like to do as a couple free from the daily routine of child rearing.
I used the phrase earlier, "trudging along" because it just seems like for the last few years it's been a tough road. Teenagers can make life difficult at times and so can a 2 year old. There always seems to be a temper tantrum going on, a rebellion that has to be squashed, or all our energy is needed to prevent someone from doing something too bad or getting too hurt. Sometimes life can feel overwhelming.
Apparently, life was feeling a little burdensome on my end this weekend but as I talked with my long lost friends, Oh, I sensed they didn't experience any burden. Envy set in. The entire ride home all I talked about was how good they had it.
My husband was very patience with me as I pointed out things.
"Did you see her designer purse?
"Do you know they go out to eat every Friday night and meet three other couples for drinks after their kids sporting events?"
"They go upnorth for the weekend and leave their teenagers home alone."
Later in the day, I was still talking about them. I noted how happy and carefree they seemed. They seemed to have so many friends. They seemed to have whatever they wanted and didn't seem to have any problems.
Now, my husband, a discerning christian man, calming points out to me that these very people I am so envious of, and want to aspire to be like (even if temporarily), are dead! "What is there to envy about death?"
I knew he was right. They were not saved individuals. They did not know Christ as their Savior. They seemed more carefree because they followed their own desires and fleshy wills. They did what they wanted, when they wanted, and however they wanted to do it because they answered to no one but themselves. I knew he was right but I still needed to wrestle with it in my mind a little longer. Maybe I just didn't want to let the fantasy go. Maybe I was trying to figure out a way to have Christ as my Lord and still have what they have.
God, as he always does, convicts me and then gently leads me to repentance. Then, after I have yielded my will back to him and humbly ask to be restored, he gives me an explanation. A piece of wisdom or understanding to reinforce what he is teaching me through the situation. For me, it usually happens when I am reading his word.
I have been reading a chapter a day in the Psalms. Today, Chapter 73 was up. By verse 2, I knew this was God's timing and God's personal words for me.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong. [a]
5 They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.
That's exactly how I was feeling. I almost, almost was willing to walk away from my faith for something that appeared to look better to me.
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
I had acted bitterly toward God and my thinking was skewed and stupid. How awful of me to have forgotten what the love of a beautiful Lord is worth.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
What humility I felt knowing God did not hold my stupidity against me. He didn't leave me or forsake me even though I contemplated doing it to him. He gently reminded me of who he is, what he's done for me, and what it is worth. It is worth EVERYTHING!
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds
It is good to be near the Sovereign Lord!
It is easy to get enticed by the world and the things of the world, especially during a difficult time. I wanted to escape the current situation our family finds itself in at the moment. I wanted relief. I wanted to be someone else. I got tangled up and saw an escape route. I thought I'd take it instead of sticking it out like God wanted me to do.
I've discovered it's hot here in the fire of refinement but God has reminded me it is worth it!
He has kept me, restored me, renewed me, guided me, showed me the permanent relief yet to come, and the glory yet to be revealed!
I will tell of all your deeds!
1 comment:
I hope your husband didn't lose his job! I understand you completely. In my situation, it is my husband who has those thoughts of envying our friends who got it better than we do. But I remind him that we need to be happy for them and pray for them.
Sandra.
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