Valley Rescue

I FINALLY HAVE MY LIFE TOGETHER!

Sadly, at times, these words could not be further from the truth for me.

Do you know I like an ordered house? I like an ordered family. I like the outside world to see me in control. But the reality is, at times, it is all a cover for the turmoil that goes on in my heart. Some may look at my life and see no worry. I have a great husband, five daughters, two and 1/2 grandchildren (one on the way), and a comfortable home. What more could a woman want?

But, I am a woman in want, sometimes.

I am a grown woman but in many ways I am still a wounded child deeply affected by people who said they loved me but their actions or their presence (or lack of it) spoke otherwise. I am still a little girl who never felt perfect enough for anyone to love me like other people were loved. I have always been a comparer and I always calculate myself as coming up short.

So, I've spent my life being a people pleaser, morphing into who I thought others wanted me to be, in the hopes of being loved and having someone stick around. As a result, I am not always authentic. I have always been the caretaker of others but the one easily discarded or ignored. I can't make decisions for fear of making the wrong one and making someone else unhappy. Unhappy people = abandonment in my mind.

My life turned a huge corner when I met my husband. No one in this world has ever loved me the way he loves me. In fact, it was his example of unconditional love, that actually allowed me to let the Christ I had always known, come into my heart. Up until that time, my spiritual life mirrored my personal life. If I am unlovable by the people closest to me, then, I am unlovable by my Creator, as well. I knew God to be a gracious and loving God for everyone else in the world but not for me.

For eight years, or so, God has been recreating me. He's helped me clean up my life. He showed me all my self destructive ways. It's amazing what one will allow when they have no self worth. He's given me new purpose and direction.

I quit my job to be a stay at home mom four years ago. I still get calls from my former employer to come back to work but I don't need to be successful in the marketplace to define my worth anymore.

I obediently followed when God said to homeschool. He gave me the backbone and the strength to stand up to the opposing voices that quickly came our way when we decided to pursue his will. Pretty amazing for a people pleaser! But, it's Him whom I want to please these days, not others.

He's given me a desire to be a teacher of his word to other women and he faithfully has brought many wonderful women into my life to mentor.

We have made great progress, He and I.

Any, yet, despite all this progress, I spent this week going deeper and deeper into a dark place. Imagine two mountains with a valley in the middle. I was on top of one of those mountains on Monday, but by Friday night, I was wandering around in the valley wondering how I would ever get out.

I felt myself begin to slip on Tuesday and instead of looking up for help, I allowed myself to look down, knowing full well where this would lead. I let doubt lead to inadequacy, and inadequacy lead to unlovable, and unlovable lead to my abandonment history, and my self worth just plummetted.

"God can't use me. In fact, God doesn't even love me. I'm fooling myself in thinking he ever did. I'm living in a pipe dream if I think God ever cared for me. Look at you, no one has ever loved you. You don't matter to anyone, never did. God created me just to be miserable."

These are the lies my mind tells me when I allow myself to slip off the mountain; when I go to the dark place outside of God's truthful light. I get lost in the valley of the shadows of death. My poor husband has to deal with my crying and self pity, my short temper, and my withdrawal to safety - alone. I go underground and I am of no help to anyone.

But, then, God sends the Great Shepherd to come and rescue me. He picks me up and gently reminds me that he loves me. He cradles me in his loving arms as he treks me back up the mountain, back into the full light of God's truth. He reminds me he has always loved me and has always been there for me. He reminds me of who I am in him and the plans he has for me. By Sunday morning, we are almost to the top again. I wake up thankful for all he has blessed me with in the later half of my life, ready to let it all go and move on.

During church this morning, I lay it all down at his feet. The years of hurt, the years of being alone, the years of measuring short, the years wasted. I ask forgiveness for not trusting, for not believing. I ask for help in staying on the mountaintop. I ask for the freedom to fly and soar, to have the weight removed from me so I am weightless and free to do his will without restriction and fear.

Then, He gives me this vision:

1. Stop trying to figure out why your life was what it was. Accept it as it is.

2. Stop trying to test everyone's love for you as authentic. Accept it as it is.

3. Stop trying to move up in the world and instead look down. Look at the world and see all the people in the world that feel the same way you do - unlovable/not worthy/abandoned. Use what you know about me to reach them with my love and hope.

4. Instead of trying to gain worldly love and acceptance, be filled up with the love I give, and let MY love pour out of you into others. Take the focus off yourself and focus instead on loving others in the way I have loved you.

5. Use ALL I have given you (even the bad) to my glory!

My battle with self worth is not over. Satan will wage that war against me my whole life but God has given me a battle plan to win the war. Extend past myself, take the weapons of war he provides, focus on winning the battle, trust in Him. He will keep me safe and bring me victoriously to the end.

And if on the day when he returns, I am standing there before him with many more who once thought themselves unworthy but stand there that day because of Christ love shown through me to them, I will have run the race well.