I want his plan!

For most of my life, I did what I wanted. I created my own plans and secured for myself the things I wanted to do or have in this life. I was self-sufficient, self-motivating, and very much in control of things. Or, so I thought.

Somewhere between my divorce from my first husband and my current marriage, I began to realize 'my way' wasn't bringing me the fulfillment and joy I had hoped it would. In fact, my life was pretty messy. My first marriage had dissolved and my children were struggling and I had to take a long, hard look at my life.

I had to ask myself some really tough questions. Was this really what life was all about? Is this all there is? What if? Those life pausing questions that really get you to think about where you have been, where you are going, and if you really like the path you're on, or not.

I determined I was not happy about where I had been and I didn't want to continue in the same direction but I didn't really know what to do differently. Then, I remembered something.

I had grown up in the church and attended a parochial grade school. I remembered the teaching of my youth. So, I dug out my bible, dusted it off, and opened it up for the first time in a really long time. I've been opening it daily ever since.

I realized that while I had been living my life and deciding what to do with it, I had never consulted him. I had never asked my Creator what I should do or if what I was doing was ok.

Over time, I realized God had plan for me. I didn't know what it was, and honestly, sometimes today, I still don't know all the details of the plan but I knew for sure, from his word, that there was a plan created just for me.

God, the Creator of the Universe, had a plan for me! And, I had a plan for me. Who's plan was better?

When I compared myself to how big and powerful God is, it didn't take long to see that God's plan had to be better than anything I could come up with. Even if I were successful in my own plan and achieved everything I ever wanted to do, I'd still fall short of all the blessings God had created for me to experience. So, I determined in my mind, that I wanted to know what God wanted for me and I didn't want to miss out on anything.

Determining, and following through on that determination, turned out to be two different things. I was naive about how hard it was going to be to turn that determination into a reality.

Tithing came first. God asked if I trusted him in the area of our finances enough to tithe back ten percent of what he had blessed us with. We worked toward that number, one percent at a time, until we were faithfully giving the ten percent each week. We have found that the more we give, the more the Lord gives us back. We have not been able to out give God. It didn't happen overnight, it was a process of trust and faith that took time for us to let go of control in this area.

One day, God asked if I would be willing to give up my career. He didn't demand it, he simply asked. I said no. I continued to say no for a long time. Although my mind had purposed to follow his plan, when it came right down to it, I wasn't willing to give up control so easily.

God began to show me how my career had become an idol to me. It was the place where I received my significance. I had sacrificed a lot in my family for the power, prestige, and affirmation of my job. I had worked really hard to get where I was and I couldn't just let that all go, just like that. I had plans, plans to be the first woman to do a lot of things in my company that typically were reserved for men. I was going to break the glass ceilings there and pave new ground. I wanted to be the first. There were two problems here. 1. I wanted to be first - not God; 2. It was my plan, not his.

Finally, I walked away and retired, only to be called back a month later, agreeing to come back on a part-time basis. I hung on for another year convincing myself it was God's will. Otherwise they wouldn't have called me back, right? In reality, it was me building my trust in God's plan as I let go in stages. He was gracious in my unbelief and patiently allowed me the time to grow in my faith.

After a few years at home in which I relearned how to spend my days, God posed another question to me. Would I be willing to give up my time in order to pour myself into my children through home schooling? Again, letting go took time but eventually I gave in and embraced his plan for our family, more importantly, for me.

These were three examples of leaps of faith I had to take in order to follow God's plan and not my own. I learned that to follow God's plan meant I had to completely give up on my own. I couldn't have it both ways. It was easier to purpose in my mind to follow his plan then it actually was to do it. Letting go of control is hard, really hard.

It's not a one time letting go, either. I am a stay at home, homeschooling mom today but I still have to relinquish control on a daily basis, sometimes on a hourly basis to maintain his path for me. I am tempted with the world's voice of having it all, or the draw toward worldly significance and materialism, or the inner need for more than this, that falsely leads me to think I made a mistake in giving over the reigns to God.

I struggle. A former co-worker gets a promotion and I think I could have really been somebody by now if I would have stayed working. Another person has free time to pamper themselves all day, and I wish I had more discretionary time. A new house, I might want that, too. The list that tempts me is very long. I get all mixed up when I fall off the path and start to be led by my own eyes, and soon I find myself wandering around in chaos and wonder how in the world did I get here again.

It says in the bible that God has goodness and blessing stored up for those who love and obey him. I want that goodness and blessing for me in my life. I want the peace, joy, and order that comes with living within his plan for me. I don't want the messy, chaotic life that is present when I am leading - although, I sometimes buy the lie that I would be better off doing it my way. But, that is a lie and a false comfort.

I am susceptible to temptation to deviate from the path just like everyone else. The only thing that keeps me from wandering too far away is the time I take daily to be in his word. I receive strength and encouragement in his word and I am reminded of his promises for me. I desire to be faithful but he knows I am weak. He remains faithful despite my short comings, and it's only because of his faithfulness that I am kept.