Fear and Ineffectiveness

I read these words this morning and wrote them down in my journal.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

This afternoon I was completing an application for a class I want to take through our church called Character Development. One of the questions on the application ask, 'why do you want to take this class?'. I wrote down four reasons, and it's reasons number three and four that reminded me of this verse from this morning.

Reason # 3: I feel Satan still uses my past to attack me and frustrate my usefulness for Christ. So, although I am afraid to be honest, I recognize the need to bring it to light so it can't be used against me in secret anymore.

Reason # 4: I don't want to hide behind a mask of who I think others want me to be. I want to be real.

Most of my adult life, I have hid my true self because I was afraid if people really knew me they wouldn't like me. My greatest fear has always been abandonment and it is deeply rooted since my childhood.

I really don't know how the class works but I have heard from others that it is pretty heavy stuff. They apparently take you all the way back to your childhood to understand how you were shaped and how that affects you today. I have heard that every week there is a woman crying and that you have to share some pretty personal things. Well, you can just imagine my fear. I have joked with others that I couldn't possibly take the class because I would take up the entire class myself or I'd be crying every week.

Under my cover of indifference through self depreciation, is really a great fear of being discovered. I have not been 100% sure if I am ready to exposed all those carefully hidden secrets, reopen old wounds, or put myself in such a vulnerable position. I alternate between thinking 'I can do it' to 'no, I can't'. I went as far as to request the application to at least see what it looked like, and find out what kind of questions they would ask. It wasn't anything too earth shattering, and it definitely did not give me any indication what to expect from the class itself, and yet, I sobbed as I tried to fill it out.

Do you know why I sobbed? It's not because of what you might think but rather because I saw for the first time how Satan had lied to me for most of my life with whispers that I was not good enough for God, or others, to love me. I had bought Satan's lie, and I had spent a lot of energy, for years, pretending to be on the outside who I thought I should be, and concealing the real me out of fear of being abandoned and left alone. This fear kept me believing that God couldn't love me and so I didn't pursue a relationship with him.

I cried because of the time lost being separated from a loving Father. My mind could actually go back through time, as if rewinding a video tape, to a specific moment in time; years earlier, to the beginning of buying the lie. My mind quickly worked it's way forward through time to the point when the lie started to lose it's power over me. It was like marking two spots on a timeline. I knew exactly when I bought the lie and I knew how long I held on to it. As I traveled in my mind, back and forth over those years, rewinding and fast forwarding the metaphoric video, I grieved over time lost and I felt cheated and robbed of how the first half of my life could have been!

Have you ever given something away only to find yourself in possession of it again? Well, I realized today, I am, at times, in possession of the lie even though I gave it away. It seems to keep coming back. Do you know why? Because Satan knows he can still hurt me with it. As long as I keep the catalyst hidden from others, he can use it against me. He can continue to get me to believe that I am not good enough. Even though I know better, and I have been reconciled to God through grace, Satan knows I have been hesitant to share with others those same things I have shared with God. The fear of others knowing, the fear of being judged, and the fear of being abandoned cause me to be ineffective for Christ at times.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

God is calling me to be made perfect through his perfect love. To trust him like never before. To take a risk, to face my fears, to be real with another person. He wants to show me that his perfect love is sufficient to release me and set me free to soar! I am thinking if I share with another Christian, and can be loved, despite (which can only happen because of the love of Christ), then Satan can no longer hold me captive in this area. This will help me with reasons number one and two on why I want to take this class.

Reason # 1: To be an effective Christ follower.

Reason # 2: To be an effective teacher for my children and any woman God brings into my life to mentor.

God is good!